The Undertaker's Entrance, and, Wrestling Live!
3/4/08
WWE Smackdown/ECW @ Quicken Loans Arena, Cleveland
Tonight was my first live WWE show since just before the name change, so I was practically a stupid kid again for the entirety of the live show and tapings. Our seats weren't the greatest but we could see everything that was going on, and we were surrounded by TONS of kids. This is a great change of pace from the Lonely Guy Brigade we're used to at wrestling shows, and just like Folby at TNA, this show helped me get back into a spirit I desperately needed perspective on. The kids were great, too, but I'll get to that later.
The HD set is BOSS. It's a lot simpler and cleaner looking in person than the old Tron with all the superfluous girders and monkey bars and shit around it.
Plus they can just change some colors and it looks like an entirely new set. Parked directly to the right was Deuce and Domino's car and Chuck Palumbo's motorcycle, and the only thing that did for me was make me really sad that Eddie Guerrero's low-rider and JBL's limo weren't there instead.
The show started off with ECW, which I guess is only live if you're a rube. It made sense to do it that way, though, because all the ECW champions competed on the Smackdown taping immediately afterward, and if they did Smackdown first and those guys were carrying around belts it'd destroy the heat for the ECW title matches. Of which we got two! But first was a Roderick Strong'd-out Kevin Thorn vs. Kofi Kingston!
Kofi Kingston vs. Kevin ThornThe kids behind me were vocal about wanting "Coffee Kingston" to win the match, and win he did with his terrible spin-kick finisher that only looks good if he creams somebody legit with it and is exclusively used in a company that doesn't want anybody getting creamed with anything. Kevin Thorn without Ariel is a continuing disappointment, and the only thing left from his original character is the hilarious Paul Heyman industrial music. He's clean shaven, has bland hair, purple trunks, and absolutely no personality. If he threw chops and backbreakers he'd be the kingshit of FIP. This was Lindy's first live WWF/E match ever. Fun fact: her first live wrestling match ever was Claudio vs. Cabana at Joe/Kobashi.
Shelton Benjamin vs. Stevie RichardsKids are amazing when they watch wrestling. During this match the little girl behind me said she wanted "the guy in green" (Stevie) to win and asked her mom who she wanted to win, the guy in green or the guy in red. Guy in green or the guy in red. Not "the white guy or the black guy." The guy in red won with his terrible running complete shot, which would only be better if it were an inverted neckbreaker or the fucking Overdrive. Post-match Shelton says he's going to win the "matter match" at Wrestlemania, and that's what I'm calling it from now on.
My Friends The Miz and John Morrison vs. Tommy Dreamer and Colin DelaneyIt's strange to think that Whittle watched the Olsen Twin wrestle in garages and fellowship halls and shit, and the first time I see him live it's in the Quicken Loans Arena on a TV taping during a tag team title match. The audience has NO CLUE who Colin is despite him being on TV every week, and the people around me kept asking things like "where did they get this kid from" and saying things like "they can't be serious." Colin loses the match for his team when he GOES TO THE EXTREMEEE
Kane vs. James CurtisENHANCEMENT TALENT~ James Curtis has the funniest Titan Tron video ever. It's his name on a logo, then a couple seconds of him mugging at the camera, and then exactly TWO clips: one of him doing a really bad looking fist drop from the second rope, and one of him slicking his hair back and posing. Then it starts back over with the logo, and the entire series of clips takes about 10 seconds. So when he's standing in the ring waiting for Kane's pyro to get set up, the clip just keeps starting over and starting over and I start dissecting what his fist drop means philosophically. When I die of Alzheimer's I'll forget my parents and my wife and my children, but I'll be able to tell you exactly how James Curtis dropped that fist from the second rope. Kane wins in a squash and I boo him emphatically for wrestling without a good match for like 15 years.
CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero!
Punk was one of my favorites back when he weighed about 30 pounds less and Joe was still in long pants, but this was the first time I'd gotten to see him wrestle live. I wasn't disappointed and this was definitely the best match he and Chavo have had together, even though he's doing that thing he does on ECW where he wins or loses clean to a guy 11 times in a row. He's losing to Chavo here via grotesque, manly bumps to the outside and sick tornado DDTs.
A moment of perspective: One of my favorite wrestling moments ever as a lot of you know is Punk on top of the cage singing his themesong with the crowd. Tonight I sat in an arena and listened to like 2,000 kids chanting C-M-PUNK, C-M-PUNK, C-M-PUNK. Big fish in a big pond. What a fucking gift, man.
Then, suddenly, Smackdown!
The refs are BAD ASSES at setting up the ring and changing it for various events. The Smackdown taping started with a The Cutting Edge segment about a hockey player and a Vicki Guerrero coming together despite their basic personality differences to win the gold medal and those refs had a tarp down and some stools set up in literally seconds. Edge starts talking and I start doing my funny Edge impression, and before you know it HOLY SHIT HE'S BRINGING OUT RIC FLAIR
A moment of kids being awesome but kind-of not: A lot of kids in the crowd were doing the "we're not worthy" bow to Flair, and while I certainly feel that I am not worthy and that Flair is deserving of this, those kids weren't even alive the last time he had a World Title. What are they bowing to? His last few years of being a heel stable lackey and losing to guys like Rico? Sometimes I wish people wouldn't feel and do things just because somebody urged them to.
Flair BRINGS IT~ on the mic like he always has and condescends on a lady in a wheelchair for maximum lulz.
My Good Buddies The Miz, John Morrison, and their associate Chavo Guerrero vs. CM Punk, Jesse and FestusTwo Punk matches = happy B
But I have a serious problem with Jesse. Okay, "CM Punk" is obviously a wrestling codename of sorts, and I can buy "Festus" as the big dumb redneck who everybody just calls "Festus." But "Jesse?" Your WHOLE WRESTLING NAME is "Jesse?" Jesse needs a last name. There should not be a wrestler named just "Jesse." I want to get signed by the WWE and make my name BRAD. Coming to the ring, the stable of EDGE, THE UNDERTAKER, and brad
Festus wins with a flapjack that would only be better if it were the complete shot
Shannon Moore (with Jimmy "The Wang" Yang) vs. Deuce (with dominoes)Have they established exactly what's up with Deuce and Domino yet? Are they just fifties culture enthusiasts, or are they time travelers? I like to think that their car is some sort of Delorian-esque thing that transports them into modern times whenever they drive it, which is why they always look so upset and confused when they drive around the corner of the set. They're like, "OH HOTCHY MOTCHY WE'RE IN THE FUTURES AGAIN DEUCE," and Domino is like, "Ohh!" Shannon Moore wins with the BORING ME SHANNON MOORE YOU SUCK SO FUCKING BAD
Batista vs. MVP
Reiteration for prosperity: MVP fucking RULES IT. And what you've heard is true, his gear is even better in person. Lindy noted accurately that Batista is slower than fuck all and moves like he does in the Smackdown vs. Raw 2008 video game. Also, he is wider than the goddamn Mississippi.
This was maybe the most fun I've ever had watching a wrestling match, because my entire section of kids LOVED Batista and they would get IRATE at me whenever I'd cheer for MVP. So in the tradition of Peter Holby I interacted with them in the best way possible, a completely kayfabe explanation of why MVP was going to win and Batista was going to lose.
me: FINISH HIM OFF MVP!
kid: MVP SUCKS
me: HE'S THE CHAMP KID YOU CAN'T SUCK AND BE THE CHAMP
or
me: Batista can't win, all he's got are the fake guns!
kid: MVP comes down to the ring in a balloon!
me: AND IT IS AWESOME
It was all in good fun and by the end of the match I had at least 5 or 6 kids on my case about it. This was made EXTRA GREAT by the fact that Batista took the fight to the outside and, as I noted, was TOO DUMB AND SLOW TO GET BACK IN THE RING. MVP wins by countout, retains his title, and a healthy semi-circle of children must recognize his superiority. When Batista left the ring everybody cheered. I told them not to cheer because he lost! You're cheering for a loser! One kid told me that Batista was going to beat me up in the parking lot. God damn I hope my kid is like that.
Kim Kardashian is going to be at Wrestlemania and so am I! Man, I wish I was a black guy!
Up next was the powerful one-two punch of a Divas swimsuit competition and Kane (again) vs. Chuck Palumbo. The only worse imaginable one-two punch is, I don't know, Incubus and tooth decay.
Big Show vs. JAMIE NOBLE BOYBringing the number of ROH World Champs on this show to two is Jamie Noble, who somehow finds his way into a match on Smackdown with the Big Show (they aren't even trying anymore are they) and doesn't do anything but stand in the corner and get punched in the chest until he spits up blood and convulses. This was pretty sweet, actually, and was a great sell without having to hear Michael Cole and Tazz's Owen Voices over it. Big Show talks shit to Mayweather, who I'm hoping will respond by CALLING THE DOGS and (this time) breaking Big Show's jaw.
Mayweather is getting K-Fed heat, too. Every time they show him the crowd gets that rumble of disapproval. Big Show should just shoot punch that guy when he isn't expecting it and throw him to his fucking death at Wrestlemania. But I sure do get a kick out of a boxer fighting a wrestler and calling it "mixed martial arts."
Edge and the Edgeheads vs. The Undertaker The kid behind me had her greatest moment during this handicap main event. During the show there were tons of CHAVO SUCKS or YOU SUCK YOU SUCK chants, but every time one would start up the little girl's mom would remind her that she can't say "suck" so when they say "suck" she should say "stink." The mom would even start up the chant for her, chiming in with a CHAVO STINKS every now and then. This progressively pissed off the little girl until her true feelings came out. When this match started she turns to her mom and says "I wish those guys with the three partners would die." Of course the mom freaks out and makes her rephrase it with "lose" instead of "die."
This was almost topped in the Noble/Show match when the little girl goes "TEE HEE HE'S SO LITTLE" and the mom reminds her that she shouldn't make fun of little people. Little girl: "But you do!" Mom: "I don't make fun of people!"
Team 3E wins when Edge spears Taker out of nowhere and just pins him like a chump in the middle of the ring. I almost forget what happened at the end of the match because somewhere in the middle Taker is going for the Old School and gets stopped, so he DIVES OFF THE TOP INTO THE RING AND FUCKING WRIST-DRAGS THE GUY HE'S HOLDING OUT OF THE RING. Mike the fucking Quackentaker in the house. I saw the Undertaker do a WRIST DRAG. Holy shit. Maybe he's been talking too much to Colin Delaney.
Post show is a lot of send-them-home-happy stuff where Batista and Kane stop the Edges midway up the ramp, drag them back to the ring, and beat them up. Then, Paul London has match where
no, wait, they did the swimsuit competition so they didn't have time
Overall this was a very enjoyable show just for the experience of it all, and while nothing other than Chavo and Punk was really "good wrestling," I took away a deep appreciation for how WWE wrestlers perform and how great a guy like Edge is at his job. Oh, and the souvenir stand SUCKS. They were only selling outdated shirts that are on clearance at Shopzone right now. No John Cena Pro Wrestling shirt. My quest continues at Wrestlemania.
WHICH IS IN 26 DAYS
WRESTLEMANIA IS IN 26 DAYS AND I WILL BE THERE
AAAAAH
