lyrics or poetry or whatever

[Just!n]

so a friend has been teaching me how to play guitar and even though i can barely stumble through basic chords i've started writing lyrics to songs i'll probably never bother recording. i haven't had the energy or drive to do anything creative lately, so it has been (i think) a productive use of otherwise wasted free time.

i know a few of you jerks write music (rusty fool-edge) so maybe let's share some things we're writing and give each other "pointers!" here are the first few verses for a song i am writing called "irony & whine." my fear is that its turning out to angsty and douchey. you guys are in the unique position to either confirm or deny these fears. AND ALSO POST YOUR OWN STUFF BECAUSE FUCK KNOWS WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE!

oh yeah i've been listening to a lot of weakerthans stuff so i think maybe i'm trying to cop john samson's style. because 'utilities' is the fucking best song ever.

So happiness my long-lost friend,
you haven't visited in years.
Though reminders often resonate in things which I revere.
Like the comfort of a sweater packed away but not forgotten.
In a box tucked in the corner of a cluttered bedroom closet.

Let's reconcile faces with the memories they've left behind.
Invite the skeletons that haunt the mausoleums of our minds.
We'll toast to tangibilities replaced by absinthe-wrought lucidity
And curse our retrospective tendancy to confuse delirium with complacency

And depression my old friend,
we haven't talked in quite a while.
Let's raise our spirts over spirits,
unafraid to masquerade as if the gesture's not futile.
With hope the night will last much longer,
as our drinks keep getting stronger.
Its our last call to action!
Arms!
Indifference!
And belief that things might change.
But sober self-resentment rises with the sun's reflective rays.

Let's erase traces of the faces of disingenuous allies.
Flood the coffers and the catacombs where melancholia resides.
We'll exorcize discrepancies with self-commissioned remedies
And embrace eccentricities with correlative empathy.

But bitterness my only friend,
Equipped with coffee cups we'll stand.
Acerbic taste; to correlate
along the clever quips we'll calculate.
Content with the resentment of our whiskey-numbed assessments,
we'll reject platitudes and courtesies with hollow condescension.
So let's postulate and theorize about those lives we both despise,
content to project doctored mirror-images in one-another's eyes.

Let's assassinate the characters before their motives are defined
Accept the frigid familiarities of our sarcophagi
We'll pacify our sympathies with transparencies of decency
And drown our insecurities in bracing shots of irony.



NOW YOU GO!

(i added choruses!!!)

[Rusty Cooledge]

So happiness my long-lost friend,
you haven't visited in years.

dis made me think of simon and garfunkle

But yeah, I was definitely digging this. I'm definitely seeing the Weakerthans influence. Is it angsty? Oh, maybe. I think "douchy" is an inaccurate assessment though, it's too self aware/self-deprecating for that. I found it refreshing really, and fun to personify these feelings and the author's (your) tangible relationship with them, be they lapsed or still strong.

As you said these are the first few verses (so I'm assuming more are to come) and if so, I'm almost feeling like a divorce of sorts from the bitterness may be an appropriate ending, and if your fear is angst it may alleviate that. But if you want to revel in it/accept it that's probably more powerful and interesting, and thus creates a real anthem of sorts celebrating the bitterness. These are just subjective things I'd consider if I wrote the song, critically I'm not seeing much in the way of flaws. From the looks of it I can see it being a song people can really relate to, myself included. And I can always appreciate higher literacy in lyrics.

But what do I know, I wrote contemporary emo songs/poems about hating myself/ex girlfriends for three years. I haven't written anything lately though, but maybe this thread will inspire me to.

[Just!n]

i was actually thinking of attaching the formulation of some sort of closure to the chorus (WHICH I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO APPROACH.) i like the alkaline trio way of writing choruses where they're structurally similar, but deviate slightly from one to the next depending on the thematic shift of the song / clever wordplay matt & dan come up with.

i think those work well as the only verses though, because i like the simple arc of recognition, response and reaction. erica actually pointed out how it served as the framework for our friendship, which i didn't even think about but actually makes sense in retrospect. i also think ending it with that last verse makes sense because i really am a bitter motherfucker. so, you know, art imitates life!

but yeah, i admire the FUCK out of john samson's superhuman ability to procure abstract introspection from stupid, everyday things like light bulbs and bored house cats. and do so from a decidedly unique perspective every time. hero worship is such a dumb obstacle you totally impede yourself by, but when you really want to do well at something its so hard to get out from under the weight of that shit.

[Rusty Cooledge]

i like the alkaline trio way of writing choruses where they're structurally similar, but deviate slightly from one to the next depending on the thematic shift of the song / clever wordplay matt & dan come up with.

I blame Alkaline Trio for my inability to have a refrain that doesn't change throughout the song.

It's a huge pain in the ass when lyrics don't fit on one page because I can't just put (chorus).

[Just!n]

loooooooooooool

(chorus) except say "___" instead of "___" (for serious you guys!!!)

[Andy]

rusty cooledge, that is a good thing, so shyuuut uuuuuup

Let's reconcile faces with the memories they've left behind.
Invite the skeletons that haunt the mausoleums of our minds.

is my favorite line, and one of the more Weakerthanny.

On first read I kind of had a time keeping up but on second read I got the structure a lot better, and I liked it. It's tough for me to commit myself to really loving lyrics without a song attached though. It all comes down to a) the level of catchiness the song has, and b) the amount of passion and earnestness put in by the vocalist.

As it is though I think the lyrics make for a great anthem. What kind of sound does the music have?

[Just!n]

none yet. my brother is really good at guitar so i'm hoping he can help me flesh something out.

also, my cousin has an incred voice, so i might ask her for some pointers as well
(http://www.myspace.com/onourwayma she's SINCERELY good)

also, post yr own stuff, stupids.

[Just!n]

also, i'm totally "writing lyrics 101" over here so everything i'm doing right now is literally an extension of how i talk (andy will confirm this. he freaking knows.) i never even considered the intricacies of writing lyrics before and i'm trying to wrap my mind around something as simple as syllabic count.

i just happen to have a forum through which to publish my attempts/failures/SUCCESSES?

[DGMacphee]

ur song needs more awesome guitar solos where you rock the fuck out

i recommend at least five

[Andy]

i dont have any attempts, my incredibly dense way of saying everything prevents it

[Rusty Cooledge]

also, i'm totally "writing lyrics 101" over here so everything i'm doing right now is literally an extension of how i talk... i never even considered the intricacies of writing lyrics before and i'm trying to wrap my mind around something as simple as syllabic count.

See the thing I could say here is "I'm having trouble finding the rhythm" but I would say that about any lyrics provided without music, so that's an extremely hard thing to critique as it probably works great in your mind.